Friday, August 5, 2011
1632
Oil Slick

How do you know when's the right time to give up on someone? Never, I hear you say? I'm going to argue that they aren't flesh and blood, it's been years, it's tiring, they don't care. So, what is the point? Aren't friendships supposed to be beneficial to both parties? You'd think I'd have it figured out, on how to handle friendships after all this while.

Thursday, July 7, 2011
1440
Burst apart

Four days of crying is taking its toll on me. I'm tired. And for the first time ever, I'm afraid of being lonely.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011
1129
Parentheses

On death

Ten years ago I had a bottle of pills as a safety blanket, a bottle kept hidden deep in my closet, sitting there just in case I decided to take the plunge. I even had a date planned. “Life isn’t worth living,” “That’ll teach them all a lesson, for the things they’ve done to me, for how they’ve treated me,” I told myself. I’ve never had anyone close to me die before – the closest being my grandparents who died. Last year an ex-colleague killed himself. I found out on facebook and would never have known otherwise because we never kept in touch and I only occasionally saw him at gigs. Here was this unassuming guy, not cool, cute nor hot like how the people usually are in the industry. We laughed at him sometimes, but looking back, it did take a lot of courage for someone to be himself and not give a damn about what anyone else thought in that damn industry. In the end though, he bit the bullet. What am I saying, is that is life worth living? I still don’t think so. Yes, there are ups and down as with everything else and I will try and try again till I find something that fit, till I find…I don’t know what.

On mother-daughter relationships

Which brings me to my present situation. Here I am again, handing in my resignation, going on the hunt once more to find something that will satisfy me, something which I can build upon in years to come to have something remotely close to a ‘career.’ I try not to blame her for not understanding but I cannot help but feel upset about what she thinks of me. You’d think that after three decades of living, you’d be free from the grasp of the tiger mother (ha,ha) but no, every action and every move you make, you look back and still want to seek approval. What can I do? To move on and find that job and succeed in it and prove to her that yes, she has kids that she can be proud of, who make tons of money by just ‘sitting there and clicking on a mouse.’ “WHAT ABOUT ME BEING HAPPY” I say to her, but all I hear is disappointment in her voice.

On friendships

This much I have – friends who support me. My bff, new found friends who will listen even when I’m being unreasonable, who keeps insisting that they are here for me and will support me with every decision that I make. A simple message on my facebook wall – you know who you are. Miles away, sit people who I can turn to, and go to and will always be there for me and who will never judge me.

On the future

(remains to be unknown)

Wednesday, March 9, 2011
1853
Dash and Blast

About damn time I wrote in here, isn't it?

Got a job, a confirmation and an increment in three months. In return I feel like I've sold my soul and a stranger resides inside me, one who struts in heels and paints her face. But hey, so long as I get the paycheque I want at the end of every month so I can save up for the long holiday to Europe I'm gonna take next year before the world comes to an end, right? Nothing at work is far from impossible, I say yes to everything, because I'm gonna fake it till I make it. Scoob fell really sick one day and it gave me sleepless nights and a couple of zits. Everyone left right center is getting married and so dad says he'd give his business to any guy who marries me. Alcohol still makes everything better. Friendships come and go and it's really time to come in terms of that. I'm gonna become an aunt soon! And two of my favourite people in the world are becoming parents for the first time. So that's that and I'll continue to work, try to make sense of my life, hopefully find someone to fall in love with and then I can die happily.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010
1828
Lisztomania

1. Having a beer on a weekday at 6pm alone. Mind is empty, for being in denial about everything in life. Still jobless, starting to smell of desperation.

2. Turned 30 a few weeks back. Do not feel any different. Am ready to die not so much because life is miserable, but because I feel like I have lived enough, seen enough, met enough people.

3. Learned that there are many, many people, who at 30, still have not got their lives sorted out, but are on the way there. What about me? What do I want?

4. Birthday was good. Spent it with the few people I love, got a birthday card from the folks through snail mail, a big birthday cake, and birthday drinks never fail to make me happy.

5. Started picking up reading again. Steve Toltz, Jonathan Lethem, Margaret Atwood. Feels good. made up stories in my head and NEARLY started to write again.

6. Only takes this much to get me frustrated over things. Online transaction fails, after calls to bank, gets me on the verge of tears. Would rather stay home than go out cept to see the few friends I love.

7. Went back a few times to take care of the business, to see Scoob who loves me less and thinks the world of mum. Waits for her to finish in the toilet, just wants to me by her side all the time. I'm learning to let go.

8. Down south to visit a couple of people I love. I wish everyday could be like that, drinking wine and mojitos and talking about things that really matter.

9. Rediscovered the joys of amiina, Low, Son Lux, Mogwai. Skipped the Album Leaf and Russian Circles live. And to think at one point of my life I thought I couldn't live without music.

10. Been a long time since I really cried. Or maybe I just don't remember. Five months without crying? Boy, I'm turning into a robot.

Friday, July 9, 2010
1143
Unknown Pleasures

I recently found out that some friends of my family has banned their ten year-old son from reading Harry Potter books because it was letting his imagination roam too much, and I guess they want him to be a grounded kid. Which wasn't surprising to me since his dad is a doctor; and his mom, a pretty young woman 15 years her husband's junior who rarely has a say in her family, a nice enough woman who stays home and cooks and bakes for her family and friends; probably wants their son to grow up a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer.

I miss books and music, not because I don't have access to them - they are laying around aplenty in my home. But I've been neglecting them in favour of an easier past time - watching films and tv shows because it is easier to do and doesn't require much thought. This morning I picked up my shuffle again and brought it to work to counter the radio that plays Chinese songs over and over again, and the first song I heard made me shed tears. I don't even know what song it is or which band it is because I cannot see my song list on the shuffle, but its a comforting reassurance to know that these things can still draw out emotions in me. (I've been avoiding feeling anything intensely because it makes life easier and simpler).

What is the correlation between the boy whose parents do not allow his imagination to soar and my love for music and books? In the past ten years, I've been the most self-conscious I've ever been and I always knew I was a little different from the rest of my peers. Disregarding the fact that my interest vary with that of the majority (but I know a lot of people with the same interest), I've never really been able to fit in. In high school I was invited to the coolest parties only because I was best friends with a girl who knew the cool kids, in university I spent my days mostly reading fiction and discovering music, at a job I loved most I never really got along with the people who are at the top of what's cool in town (which made many of them the coolest people in town, I guess) and I've never had a group of tight knitted friends like most people do. Instead, my closest friends are all people I see on a one-to-one basis, which suits me fine but over the years, has gotten my parents worried over my lack of friends.

I leave this job next week for another new point in my life. I don't know what it is yet, but I've got a rough idea and it isn't my dream job and will probably require long hours, but this is all I can do for now. Because what do you do if the thing you want to do most does not pay much and you need money to survive? The thing is, I'm not even sure that writing is the thing I want to do most anymore. I tried it for 3 years and loved every bit of it, but ask me to go back to it, and I'd have to think twice because...I don't know why - jaded?

The past year has been a year of self-discovery; no I didn't travel the world to discover myself but I've had a contemplative year of thinking, or sorting my life out. I don't feel like spending on impulse anymore (which is a big thing for me, you can't imagine how much money I've wasted) because I've come to learn more about who I am, as cheesy as it sounds. Knowing what I want - in terms of what I wear, what I eat, what I want my home to look like - has kept me grounded, I've resisted the temptation of buying stuff I like but don't need over and over again now that it's getting easier and easier to do. I've stopped drinking every single night, I'm learning not to place high hopes on people, but there is still a long way to go in terms of being a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better person.

I don't know what is in store for me this time next year or even two months down the road, but I know that tonight, I'm gonna pick up a book and start reading again.

Monday, May 17, 2010
1437
Untitled

Had to send Jacque to the the workshop. I feel like my lifeline has been cut off. With no other choice I've cleaned my room, used sister's pc every chance I got, some gardening, read, and finished the border of a new jigsaw puzzle. Maybe a break from the laptop will do me good afterall. I better get used to it cause it seems like it will take a while for Jacque to be fixed.

###

Back from the land of aplenty with new clothes, lotsa stuff for the house and shoes! Learned what was traveler's diarrhea and probably lost all the weight I gained while on holiday.

###

Andddd work sucks, as usual. But between work and freelance and juggling friends and a 'business proposal,' I really feel like crashing but I'm probably just exaggerating cause BUSY IS GOOD, RIGHT?

Monday, May 3, 2010
1710
Don't Panic

For the sake of money, how much humiliation can you take? At a meeting with the big boss just moments ago, I'm reduced to a frustrated secretary instead of what I do. He scolds me with his second grade English while I am forced to jot down his broken sentences. I try not grimace at them as I write them down. "So long as my name isn't in there," I think to myself. "Why haven't I handed in my letter?" I ask myself. Because I need to find a new job before I do and I'm at a really confused stage where I don't know what I want. 16 months ago I was at the top of my game and now I don't know what I want except to cry really hard or bash the boss' face in.

The holiday was a much needed one. So what if I was puking and pooping two days straight because of food poisoning, it only makes the whole experience better.

I want out.

Saturday, April 10, 2010
1053
Labyrinthian Pomp

Why haven't I been writing? I have many unfinished posts in my head, but I don't know how to type it out. Perhaps it's because I haven't been reading as often as I'd like to, instead I spend my time reading interior design blogs and watching mumblecore.

Doyouknowdoyouknowdoyouknowwhy I'm feeling like I do? Aimless, and too lazy to do anything about it or figure things out.

Mother's Day is coming soon and it always makes me think about mum and how by the time she was my age, she's already had three kids and for the life of me sure I suffered from middle child syndrome and crying when she came to pick me up late from school because I was afraid they didn't want me anymore and left me there and crying about everything and anything and feeling unloved but the kind of sacrifices she made for us kids, I'll never be able to do that for anyone, I think.

I'm so frustrated writing like this like I'm a 15 year-old trying to get her thoughts across but failing.

We all grow up someday, don't we? I've lost the urge to dance, I don't even have the urge to drink anymore. Ok, so I've stopped feeling like I need a drink every night only a week ago, but still it makes me think about how I shouldn't drink so much in the first place. Drinking and having inane conversations, I miss that. I don't mean drinking and having conversations with frengers and having people tell me "I don't think you'll ever marry a Chinese guy," or "If you find someone, make sure he loves you more than you do him," or "You're a girl, you can choose to lead a bohemian life and be happy and I cannot because I'm a guy and I have to care for my mother," but conversations with friends or dancing with friends and you keep thinking to yourself, "Don't ever forget this moment" and eventually you do and even if you think you remember the memory might have been altered and you think you were so happy at that time but you'll never know because memories can always been altered right?

I'm counting down the days when I leave this country to go to a strange place where I don't speak the language and where they have abundant food and chew betelnut and where for ten days I can forget my life for a while and just be in the present.

What would make me happiest right now though? IF I CAN SEE SCOOBIE how can you miss till you want to cry till you cannot stop looking at photographs till the end is near.

Monday, March 22, 2010
1210
Helter Skelter

"Please don't leave us so soon," he said.
"I won't, cause we came together in one car," I said.
"I'm not talking about tonight," was his reply.
"Oh, OH, Ok, since you asked, I will take your request into consideration," But I was only lying. I've made up my mind.

###

I saw him yesterday. I was walking down the street, on my way to lunch. I saw him and paused. He was sitting alone with a book, and he had a blank stare which turned into a smile on recognising me. I waved, he waved back and I continued walking. Ten minutes later, a text message from him. It read, "Boo!"

###

On a dare, I agreed to try smelly tofu. They seemed surprised that I've never tried it. The queue was long, so long that I was immune to the smell once it came to our turn. I took a piece, dipped it in lots of chili sauce, and...it was worse than vomit in my mouth.

###

I sat in the middle of it all, trying my best to block out the loud music and off-tone singing around me. The only saviour being the single malt whisky in my hand. I fell asleep, eventually. And woke up to naked feet on the couch, group singing a song about friendship. How did I end up here?

Tuesday, March 9, 2010
1506
My heart might stop

Mark Linkous, dead. Vic Chesnutt, dead last Christmas. I've attempted to write this post for a while now, but I don't know what to say when brilliant artists decide that life is not worth living anymore, no matter how talented they are.

Saturday, January 9, 2010
10.51
Through the roof of your mouth

My 2009 Best Of Lists, so that my life has at least a little semblance of order:

Music - Albums:

1. The Antlers - Hospice
It has been years since I heard an album that made me stop in my tracks. Like In The Aeroplane Over the Sea and Funeral. This is another. The first time I heard it, I was reading something and I immediately put the book down. The lyrics, so painfully bittersweet. The melodies, so euphoric. Yeahh.

2. Ben Frost - By The Throat
What would it feel like if you were the only one left in this world and was hunted by a pack of wolves? This is how By The Throat will make you feel. Sidenote: If you read Cormac McCarthy's The Road, it gives off the same kind of dreadful, but hopefull feeling.

3. Mono - Hymn To The Immortal Wind
Play it loud or play it soft, it just works. It might have already been done and overdone, but it's still beautiful.

PS: I'm surprised that my list is so short. But I cannot recall any other albums which I really liked, save from the above. After years of being obsessed about music, two years of writing about music, I guess my love for it has died down a bit. I might have listened to many albums, but they didn't leave any impression.

Music - Live:

1. Mogwai
Since it was my second time catching the band, I gave myself some allowance to let loose a little since they tore my heart apart the first time. This meant sneaking a flask of whisky into the hall, standing at the back and swaying to the music as much as I wanted. It was joy.

2. Envy
I walked into the gig hall with no expectations, because my mind wasn't really there. Knowing that I had to leave early to pick mum up, the chaos of the new home, etc. But oh, how they crushed my heart as I was standing there with my eyes closed, letting the sheer bliss of their music envelop me.

Books:

(will come later)

Laughter:
1. Hoegaarden with friends
2. Stupidity of colleagues
3. New home
4. People I love

Anger/Frustration/Sadness:

1. Career
2. Stupidity of colleagues
3. The responsibility of having own home
4. People I love

Attempts at becoming a better person:

1. Blood test to certify I didn't have thyroid to reinforce the thought that I am in control of my moods
2. Listening without judgement
3. Being the one who called friends, and not waiting for the phone to ring as usual
4. Opening myself up more (though I've only received lukewarm responses so far)

Saturday, January 9, 2010
10.37
Yours for the taking

I must be getting old. Yea, our bodies don't lie, does it? I've had a strained neck for more than 36 hours now. Last night I went to see Ken Stringfellow (it was quite fantastic, but more on that later) and a few sips of mojito and a bottle of beer later, I'm back in bed. This morning I feel lightheaded and have a coffee and now I feel a flu coming on.

So, Ken brought back memories. Three years ago, a few feet down the street, we sipped mojitos (oh what a coincidence) and ate pizza before going to see him. He played "Cassandra et Lute" and I remember saying, "Who needs Damien Rice?" And that was the first song he played last night. He played to us from off the stage, sang on the patio with his acoustic guitar, tried to sing to us from the balcony. But like always, we cannot beat the masses, can we? So in the end, personal space disregarded, he sang to us one feet (or less) from where we stood. Oh, that beautiful voice. It felt like the old times. Shaking hands of acquaintances, hearing the latest news about bands coming to town. Nice old times. I miss it, sometimes I wonder if I made the wrong move, but it's been done and I have to move on, move forward.

The new year.

The love I felt during the holidays really warmed my heart

Looking back, 2009 didn't treat me that bad. I tried making a list of everything, but it's not done yet, sitting in my Drafts folder.

But the new year is here, now. I feel some sort of peace, some calm. I've let go. FINALLY. And it feels good. Why didn't I do it before, I don't know. Once I let go, things automatically became so much easier. At work, at home, friendships.

So, I'm promising myself that I'll soldier on to 2010 with a strong heart. Hooray!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009
1621
We were flying kites

We'd usually sit by the corner because that's where we're most comfortable with. In this place, it meant sitting by the huge glass windows. Once a while we'd forget that we weren't supposed to lean on the glass, and the club staff would come to remind us. But it was so comfortable!

It was there when I first met him. I've seen him behind the decks,but didn't know which DJ he was. He came and sat next to me, we started talking and I asked him which one he was. He told me, and I told him I really liked his writing. Week after week, he'd come sit to me when he wasn't behind the decks. and we'd either talk about music or enjoy the comfort of our silence while the music was pounding, beat after beat after beat.I miss the comfortable silences, his voice of concern.

#

We were invited to a fancy dinner party by our advertiser. "Come with me," my editor said. "Because I want to go and I want company." So we put on our fancy dress, and proceeded to have bloody marys and hors d'oeuvre. They gave us party packs with fancy cookies in it. There were cigars available so halfway through the dinner, we sneaked out with one, stood by the bin, tried smoking it and took some pretentious photos while doing so. It's been years now and we've both moved on and have not seen one another for so long. But he will remain the one who pushed me to write my first music piece when I was afraid. The one who bothered with celebratory birthday drinks in shabby office mugs. I miss the times where he told me I rocked.

#

I'd been in Japan for almost a month, and while it was winter, I've never seen snow until Christmas day. My first and only white Christmas. Otosan bought me an army green jumper because all the other colours were too bright and he thought I wouldn't like them. Because it only snowed lightly, he drove us up a hill in his swanky car, windows rolled down so he could smoke. Along the way, I saw icicles, decaying plants, breathed in cold air. On top, the hill offered us an entire view of the town. He taught me how to play golf in his mini golf compound, and asked me along to the hot springs with him because, "When you take off all your clothes, you feel free and happy,"

I said goodbye to him at the train station. No awkward hug, just "Goodbye, handsome Otosan," and a wave. Months later, I received a letter, written in beautiful handwriting on Japanese ricepaper, in careful English. Otosan said he didn't know I had a sense of humour until I called him handsome at the train station. He sent me lavish gifts for my graduation, gave me great advice in all his letters. It's been nine years since I saw him. I miss his letters, and I miss both the fear and adrenalin rush I felt while he sped down highways.

#

He would always insist on coming to pick me up from the airport. I would always give in and say okay. It felt really nice to have someone waiting for me at the arrival hall. We'd scour malls, bookshops, eat fast food. One day we decided to be adventurous, and took buses to the movies. He would sulk if I decided not to say what's on my mind. Then he left for Canada. Once in a while. I would get the odd, unexpected, surprise phone call that would brighten my day. He came back. For a while, we had forced conversations. We'd both get annoyed with each other, and eventually stopped talking. It's been years now since I've spoken to him. I can only guess what he's up to from my Facebook friends list. He seems happy, settled. I miss how I could feel so comfortable with him, right at that point in my life where everything else sucked.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009
1609
Stop!

I can’t wait for the clock to strike 6pm so I can leave work, stop at 7-11 for orange juice + (maybe dinner) and go home. I feel like I’ve been working too hard with the string of freelance jobs coming in, but if I don’t work, it means I won’t have extra money to buy shit.

A combination of freelance jobs that stream in at five projects in a row and Heroes and Dexter left me dreaming about being an assassin and killing people a couple of hours before they’re due to kill themselves. Don’t ask, I don’t know either. I kill five, and then feel like I cannot breathe and desperately want out of this job. In between, I go out for a date with a nice guy and find out he has a girlfriend. We go out for drinks and he orders himself a beer and leaves me sitting only with a plate of complementary peanuts. Figures.

The trip back home was pretty good, despite all. Managed to get my car checked, body checked, saw some people and a dog whom I dearly love, a dress, a BBQ, sat through a horrible movie. Returned to an empty home. Unspoken words again, but what is new.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009
1609
Inside the Pods

Hooray. Eight hours into my second attempt at wearing my (sur)namesake. It feels weird, but strangely comforting. Makes me feel different, like I've a dirty little secret to hide.

Long-time friend decided to look me up on msn. New super sports car in tow. Girlfriend. Strangely, I don't feel nothing. "Life is not all about girls," he says. I forgot to tell him that when he was 17, they were his life. I want to give him a pat in the back.

I see Scoob tomorrow. Euphoria. It'll feel strange driving home alone, again.

Monday, November 23, 2009
1346
Distant Street Lights

I look at my mismatched underwear in the mirror. It sort of bugs me, but I think that it doesn't matter anyway, no one is going to see how I've got frilly lace at the top and boy jockeys at the bottom. I put on my pretty black dress, the one that came all the way from New York. Ten minutes later, I'm out of the room, inside the car, driving myself to work.

I'm early. The people who hold the office keys are late as is always the case, so I wait at the five foot way. A girl walks by, dragging her feet with her and making the most annoying noise ever. Why must she drag her feet? Are her sandals that heavy? Mum called it walking the lazy way and would reprimand anyone who walked that way.

Office doors open, I walk in, punch my workcard, people start arriving. The same kind of slow buzz inhabits the office, only today the manager doesn't have her breakfast in the pantry because it's a Monday and she's probably got piled up work to get to. An hour later I walk in to see the manager to settle some stuff, then I go in for a meeting. My mind floats around as the team speaks in a language I'd rather not use in the office because I am losing ground, feeling like I'm in a strange foreign place instead of a normal work office and they speak and speak and won't stop and I've got all these formal letters and speeches to write and I really feel like puking.

The meeting adjourns and I see a colleague by the photocopy machine wearing a bright red bra underneath her white shirt. What are these girls thinking when they put on clothes in the morning?

I have online conversations about dogs giving unexpected births and expensive cars and chocolates.

My workload is here but I think, "Let me enjoy Google Reader and get to doing all that needs to do when I come back after the holidays." The Pains of Being Pure at Heart sounds so glorious in my ears. Beautiful, haunting and comforting at the same time.

A three hour drive awaits me in a couple of days. I wish I can skip the drive and teleport home. I haven't driven home alone in years. Not since 2006.

Relationships are faltering, morphing into something beyond recognition. While doing the dishes last night, I cut my finger with the knife she left in the sink. She cooks, I do the dishes, and vice versa. Afterwards, I bleed all over the bedsheets while attempting to change it. But the mattress is too heavy for me, and I always need her help to lift it. For weeks now, even months, plenty of words remain unspoken between us. Where is the sisterhood so prevalent between us? Gone now. A dark, comfortable gloom has settled over us. Is it pretense that is making us have the odd dinner together, words spoken only reaching surface levels? I have spent months agonising over our situation. Still, nothing's changed. Stagnant water breeds diseases. The cut throbs once in a while, stopping me from using my fingers to type as usual. But I've decided to let it hurt with each key that I'm pressing because eventually, I would get used to the pain, and before I know it the cut would have healed, with no evidence anymore of it being there in the first place. No scars to remind me of the agony.

How do I not make this personal? When it will affect everything?

Monday, November 16, 2009
1245
I've already fought my wars

A slew of languages swirl around me. Japanese, Chinese, broken English. Occasionally I hear shouting. This environment is slowly destroying me, day by day. I cannot stop biting my nails. It's a habit I had since I was a child, I stopped a long time ago but when I am nervous or disturbed, it comes back. I try hard to control it. Bitten nails are an ugly sight, so I limit my biting to a few selected fingers, and force myself to stop once I'm done with my allowance.

#

Three nights ago, I met her again for the second time. I'm not sure if she remembers coming over to me and introducing herself when she saw me talking to her boyfriend a couple of years ago. I didn't want to shake her hand this time, so I waved instead and she offered me a forced smile. Does she remember? I cannot tell, for we both acted like it was our first time meeting each other.

#

I hate that we've both chosen silence. Is it because I subconsciously show my contempt and you know it? I cannot talk about this without crying. My eyes hurt, and it is easier that we both just lead our separate lives. It kills me when I catch glimpses of the person you used to be, I hardly know you anymore, and it kills me.

#

The good times: reading in bed, listening to music in bed, putting on your shirt for the walk to the pool, the play-wrestling. The bad: The tears that have never stopped.Empty tears.

#

I'm tired of longing, of waiting for your name to appear on my screen. So I'm making the decision to stop. Today. Right now.

Sunday, November 15, 2009
1113
Yesterday's Forgotten

My earliest memory of writing and enjoying it was when I was 11 or 12. We had to write stories about food and my teacher would submit it to be published in the children's column of the local newspaper. My story did not get published, they only mentioned my name and what my story was about. Was it too gory? Illegal? Because I wrote about seeing Grandpa hanging a snake high up in a tree branch, stripping it out of its skin, ripping out its innards (some to be kept, some discarded) and making soup out of its meat? I'll never know why they chose not to be publish it, and if it wasn't good enough at that time, it did not affect me much.

When I was 15 or 16, I had to write an essay about Dad. It was Father's Day and my job was to read it aloud in front of the church congregation. I wrote it, read it aloud while sniffling in front of everyone, and afterward, got many praises for it. I did not know what or how to feel, so when I got home, I crunched the paper and hid it. I don't remember where I hid it, and its words are lost to me today. I think I felt so much love (for Dad, for the love of writing) and contempt (I don't know why) for it, that my heart would be ripped if I looked at it again, so I hid it, never to be found again.

English was always my favourite subject. In college, we had to write short stories, and it was then when I really fell in love with writing. In the end of the course the tutor expressed surprise when she had to give me an A. Was I insulted that she undermined my ability? Don't know. But it was then that I knew that writing would be my career, that it was the only thing that I want to live for.

So I joined a publishing house, and for the longest time I was really happy just writing. Of course seeing my peers making more money than me hurt, but I did not care because I was doing what I love. My boss asked me one day "So is a career in publishing what you want?" And I said to him, "All I want to do is write." So I said no to promotions to become editor of some sort, because all I wanted to do was write.

Then, why did I leave the job? I felt like I was stuck, I couldn't survive on that salary alone, so many reasons come into play. In the end I was glad to leave it because I needed to move on and grow. That means compromising my first love and doing something in-between that wouldn't bring so much satisfaction, but....but what? But would pay more?

"I don't know you that well, but I don't think you'd be happy working in the corporate environment," he said. At that time I only wanted to prove him wrong, but he knows me better than I know myself.

So now, I know what I will be doing for the next six months, but nothing else beyond that. I'm getting too old to make career switches and since it is impossible for me to pack my bags and just leave, I'll just have to sit out the next six months and then figure it out for myself.

But I want to much to be that girl I was three years back, who just wanted to write and only write and didn't care about the money part.

Saturday, November 14, 2009
1039
When You Finish Me

Sadness envelops me. I don't know why, I've been resisting the urge to cry since last night. To beat this, I offered to buy a friend some birthday drinks, so we went out, and we talked and talked and talked. I love talking to friends. It almost always makes me feel less alone.

I come home and sleep eludes me. So here I am at work, with my earphones on, music with the volume on as loud as possible. The tears are almost here.

But what is it for? For the dreams that never came true? Is this all just self-pity?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009
2257
Starscapes

The girl who became a bride today. Getting married in a foreign country, with the only people she's familiar with being her new husband, her mother, father, and uncle. With girls she's never met before as her bridesmaids. How was it for her?

The girl who left her family to be with the man she loves. Her mother dead, her father in jail, her sister who needed her guidance, her aunt who wanted to understand her, but couldn't. Turns out, the man she loves is a useless jerk, but she cannot leave him. Not when she's developed an accent suited only for the place she's living in now, not when she has a three year old. How is it for her?

The guy who you thought meant everything to you. The one you allowed to drive your car, to smoke in it even if you didn't like it. The one who offered his hand to you while crossing the road, whose hand you did not hold in the end. His face, a blur now. How was it for him, for you?

The girl who cannot stop talking about herself. The guy who only remembers you when he is lonely. So you give, cause you care. But things remain the same. What are you to them?

It's all in the mind. Memories turn to mush, and they come back again, like new, again and again. Each time a better version than the previous one, till you feel good about yourself. Till you cannot differentiate fact from fiction.

Monday, October 12, 2009
1444
Foreground and background

The two boys next to me at the bar made me smile. I couldn't hear what they were saying over the loud music, but from their gestures, I could tell they were good friends, and that made me smile. How do people connect? Over the love of something? By loving each other? They looked different. One, the typical indie wearing a CYHSY shirt and the other, just in from work. He told me they were in a band, I asked what was the band called, and he said they didn't have a name. "We're just playing because of passion." We shake hands and he tells me his name. It reminds me of a dream I once had, about a boy whom I never met.

We dance on and off; on when the songs we love comes on, off when our least favourite DJ comes on. We sing out loud, jump, raise our hands in the air, do the jiggy. We get the thumbs up from strangers, we step on people's toes and apologise. I sing till my throat is sore, but I don't care and don't stop.

Text messages flow in. I don't really know how I feel, so I just say thank you. Just like that, I am a year older.

Afterwards, the place turns into one filled with leering men looking to get laid. They looked like they belonged more in a club in Ibiza. What has become of the night I couldn't get enough of?

The lights turn on, and we find a place to sit before the drive home. Were we even semi-drunk? I don't know. We talk about the music, we talk about our lives.

The next day, the club smells foul. The lights are dim. Things that used to excite me, does not excite me anymore, so we leave to get food and to go buy books.

At the book warehouse sale, I feel like I'm in heaven, and I don't even notice the heat. A surprise bump into a friend leaves me speechless and all I can manage is a 'hey'.

I think about: Missed connections. Crushes. Lust. Friends. Anger. Songs. What Is The What.

Just like that, I am a year older.

Saturday, May 23, 2009
0955
Songs for the broken hearted

Zen Habits tells me that there shouldn’t be the phrase “I don’t know” in my life. I should make decisions on where to eat if there’s a dinner plan, eventhough I am not that keen with the place I picked in the first place. Which I should do. My mind is always telling me, “There’s no such thing as I don’t know” and I need to always, always remember that.

#

It finally rained today, after many scorchingly hot days. I now work in an environment so completely different than what I am used to. The people speak a different language, websites like facebook and meebo are blocked, there is no music, no one wears jeans, and there are more girls than guys. I find myself out of my element everyday, out of my comfort zone. This might or might not be a good thing, I need more time to find out.

#

Things that I have been doing to get extra money: dogsitting, ironing, driving (a car), translating and transcribing.

#

We were sitting in front of the TV, and she was watching a Chinese drama while I barely paid attention. At times she’d explain what was going on, but again, I didn’t pay much attention. Then she said, “Look at that man, so trigger happy,” (it was a cop holding a gun). I was surprised. “What did you say?” She went on to explain that the cop liked to open fire whenever he pleased. “Trigger happy,” I repeated after her. “You surprise me sometimes.” She smirked and said, “Yea but it’s all goin down the drain from mixing with people like (insert name) who don’t speak proper English.”

#

At work both parties resort to speaking a language they aren’t comfortable with in order to communicate and understand each other. I’ve repeatedly used the few words I know, and have asked for a word’s meaning many times now. Only four people, including me, read the English paper. It feels strange, and two weeks later I’m still adjusting.

#

I look forward to my lunches now, whether its food brought from home or food that is bought.

#

After many days of being quiet, he smiled for the first time today. Then he laughed the next day. It was good hearing his laugh, amidst the gloom in the air. The fact that he said he’s come to accept his situation, so long as it did not hurt anymore. With each trip to the doctor’s bringing more bad news, it was good to hear his laughter again.

#

We were on a rooftop of a school, and it was on fire. No where to escape. A boy came to me and said if he catapulted me in a car, I might be able to survive. I was afraid, but thought, I’d die either way anyway. So I agreed. I sat in the car while he pushed it. “What’s your name?” I managed to shout to my lifesaver. “Arif,” he shouted back. I survived, and he greeted me downstairs. He saw my arm, the one that was broken before and now fixed with a screw. He showed me his, and also the arm of the guy standing next to him. “Hey you can join our club,” he said. I said ok. I met them in a coffee shop, and it was possible that we discussed some book or something. Then I was back in his room, with him. It was small, and dark. A bed, a floor lamp that emitted a warm orange glow, books everywhere, a lazy chair, a toilet. We took a shower. A few guys came in the room and played him a piece of music to get his approval. He told them to play it to me instead. (I can’t remember now what I thought of it). After they left, he wanted to take a nap. I said “Ok, just for 20 mins,” We laid on the carpet and I held him in my arms.

I woke up remembering the dream in detail, and it gave me a good feeling the entire day. That was over three weeks ago. Writing this down now, it just occurred to me that this dream might have just reflected part of my desires, my life, what I want. I won’t deny that I want someone to love, but wtf; why did I need to be rescued in the dream? Why did it have to be one of those (pseudo) intellectual guys?

I had vivid dreams the next two days, but Arif wasn’t in them anymore. One was about Dad, and the other was about babies.

Sunday, April 26, 2009
1243
Hard Times

The past few days have rendered me emotionally incapable of handling anything. I cry at the slightest things (a phone call with mom, in the movies, etc). (If) In my previous post I seemed self-assured, but I'm far from it right now. I didn't get the job as hoped, they decided they couldn't hire me because of money issues. Needless to say, I am (or, was) crushed, because I had more than a 50% chance of getting the job. The people around tell me I made the right decision, in refusing the little pay they offered me. Mom tells me to play it cool. My voice cracked when I told her about the job over the phone (I couldn't tell if she noticed this) and she told me to play it cool. Minutes later she calls me again and asks me if I ever thought of going back to school...

I've tried to write about this a few times now and it is proving to be difficult. My thoughts are jumbled, and I don't know where exactly to start. I jump between feeling angry and sad all the time because there's too much on my plate. I guess I'll just lay low for now, till things get better.

Friday, April 17, 2009
2123
Kingdom of Rust

Wow, has it been that long already? It didn't feel like it, because I didn't have the urge to write. 2009 came without a bang as I spent it back home with my parents. It's now April, and I'm in a state of frustration over my joblessness. To cut the long story short, a full-time job that was in my grasp since March is in limbo because I cannot seem to contact the person in charge. "It's like the company is running a front for something else," I laughed half-heartedly as I told a friend today.

So, today I attended an interview for a copywriting job with a company that owns several TV stations. Strange, when I was asked what books I read. Strange, because no one has really asked me that with genuine interest, and talked about authors with me. It was like a whole new world just opened up to me as I sat there, excited but overwhelmed as my interviewer told me about the job. The interview went ok, I came back with some print ads I need to do copies for, and will only know if I've gotten the job in two weeks.

I'm just writing all this down because I was always adamant about not doing copywriting. Looking at all the people at ad agencies, I guess part of me wasn't confident enough that I could come up with great ideas. I thought I could never fit in with said people. And I didn't want to sell my soul. har har.

I'm not as anxious over the two-week waiting period as I would have been six months ago. Not because I'm not excited about it, but because I think I've grown over these few months. When I whine about my not working, N would tell me "You're just taking time off to find yourself," with conviction that I didn't really believe. But yes, maybe I have gained a little bit of my self back. That, and learning so much about family, friendship, love, and patience. I'd like to think that I've grown to be less self-centered, even though I still have to remind myself not to be that everyday. And I'm learning how to treat myself better.

So till then, I will continue playing with the dog (we have a new puppy!), bake muesli bars, watch The Sopranos and Mad Men, read, and sit with Dad for his eye surgery next week.

Sunday, November 30, 2008
2227
Beginning and end

"What bring ah ma to heaven?" he asked me.

I didn't know how to answer because while he went to Sunday School, his parents believed in a different religion. So I made Cel answer instead.

"Angels brought her," she told him.

"But how did the angels bring her?"

"They have wings, so they can fly," I said.

I didn't cry. If I had, it would have been for the wrong reasons anyway.

It was Thanksgiving week. I have many things to be thankful for, and I'm most thankful for learning how to let go of the things that do not belong to me.

Friday, November 21, 2008
1821
We're turning into ordinary people

On Monday, I started a new job at an MNC. And I hid in the toilet to cry on the very same day. I came home, sent out a resume for a writing job, and typed out my resignation letter. After frantic text messages and tears over phone calls, most of the people said, hang on a little longer, and two told me why should I wait, just quit if I was unhappy. No prizes, then, for guessing who my two favourite people were that day.

On Tuesday, I decided to hand in my letter in time with the notice period to ensure that my last day would be the end of the month. I've thrown my work ethics, manners that I've kept for years and years out of the window just like that. So coming Monday, I will hand in my letter.

I've made one of the biggest mistake of my life, thinking that I could leave writing behind and start a career in the corporate world. But I can't. It's a mistake that I'm paying for everyday of this week, and possibly next week too. But I also learned again, as a few years back, that writing is the only thing I'm willing to do. I guess being jaded the past year made me forget this.

I got a call yesterday about the resume I sent out on Monday night, and in a few days I go for an interview. "Bring you published, and unpublished work," the editor tells me. I don't have any recent unpublished work, and instantly my mind starts weaving stories that I cannot wait to pen down. Having not written a single thing for a month, I've forgoten what joy it is to write. At this new job, the boss struggles to find a word for a letter she's writing for the CEO, but the word comes so easily to me. This again, has proven to be what I've known for years but seemed to have forgotten: that I will live and breathe writing for the rest of my life.

What does this mean, really? Part of the reason I stepped into the corporate world was to make more money, and if I go back to writing, it will mean I have to watch my expenses carefully for the rest of my life. No more extravagant meals, no more buying nice things, trying to keep up with friends who have the money to do the things I really want. Can I resist? I think I will have to, for the next two or three years, if not the rest of my life.

PS: What kind of company do not have casual Fridays?

Thursday, October 30, 2008
1328
Say Ah

Ten days ago, I went for an interview and thought I didn't really do well. The interviewer was such a negative person, and I decided the job sucks anyway, and they cannot pay me the money I want. Surprisingly, I got a callback for a second interview. A couple of phone calls later, I said yes to it. It's tomorrow morning at an ungodly hour, and in this process, I've proven to myself that I am timid, and am a bad liar.

I'm most afraid of not exercising my brain while unemployed, and feel like it's turning into mush. Thankfully, a job came in this week so I have three days of creating nice sentences now.

Otherwise, the days have been spent going to quiz night and winning a pint of beer, live music, bumping into the same frenger three days in a row and hearing how I remind him of ghostworld and listening to stories about the good old days of local music, drinks and more drinks with friends, Sigur Ros comparisons that made me crack up, buying my Kraftwerk ticket, mango cheesecake, a nice buffet, house sitting, crapping with two of my fav people in separate occasions, phone calls from mum and dad telling me they're behind me, bumping into old colleagues, and etc, etc.

Now, to go look for something corporate to wear.

Monday, October 6, 2008
1543
I know this much is true

I haven't written for many reasons - mainly because I feel like I've got nothing to say anymore. I make up for the lack of writing here with many things: besides the usual dose of music, books and fights, a lot of thoughts swim around my head- thoughts that I cannot make sense of.

So I've left a job I loved at the beginning and hated towards the end. I yearn for a new start in life, but that isn't going very well.

One year older and none the wiser, the only thing I can vouch for is that I can never stop loving.

Kings of Leon, you disappoint AGAIN.